Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

It Happens Sometimes

I ran into an old friend I haven't seen in at least a decade, if not more. We had kids close in age. We each had kids with health issues, but you know how it goes, you just push on, keep them healthy and happy and do whatever needs to be done. Live life the best you can.

We moved out of the area first and then they moved. So it was an unexpected surprise and pleasure to run into them.

We hug. We exchange pleasantries. So good to see you. You look great. How is everyone? Then she asks, "Is everyone healthy?"

And that tiny part of my heart that is still hiding, still whimpering, tucks farther away and I hear myself answer, "No, we lost Chase five years ago."  Even as I say it, my mind is reeling. How can it be five years? It still hurts so bad.

She nods gravely. Her expression is different than the usual wince of sympathy. It's calm. "I'm sorry. I had no idea. It's not a club we wanted to be in."

It takes a few seconds for that to sink past the focus of trying to push it all down and keep my emotions from bubbling out "What?"

"We lost Spencer two years ago. Tumor in the brain. They gave him eight months. I'm sorry, I thought you knew. His wife was pregnant. He wanted to live long enough to see the baby born."

"Did he?" I ask with a little hesitation.

"Yes." She smiles and I look past her shoulder at her family, at her daughter-in-law, sitting behind her. And I understand her expression now. The calmness, the understanding. It's the difference of having gone down to all the depths of hurt and loss that would take lifetimes to express them all unless you've been through it. Funny how all that hurt can be conveyed in one look. That club no one wants to belong to.

I remember Spencer well. He was a light. A smart funny kind kid who took every obstacle by the horns and rode it through. I'm glad he had a child, that they have a little piece of him in another person.

Our exchange was brief. I was already tearing up, even though I knew I could get it under control in a few minutes. Even though there was so much I wanted to say, most of it wouldn't have gotten past the lump in my throat anyway. But there really wasn't anymore we needed to say anyway. We get it. We're members of the same club.

Death Hovers Close this Week

Mary Autrey and my boysIt's been one of those weeks, well two weeks really, that Death has been a constant presence and in my mind.

It began with my mother-in-law softly slipping away at age 85. She had been suffering from dementia,
sometimes unable to remember where she was or even how old she was without a reminder. She had been a vibrant intelligent force to be reckoned with so slipping into dementia was difficult on my husband and his siblings. She's been in California for the last five years and when my husband saw her last a little over a year ago, he said he knew then it would be the final time he saw his mother.

Then on one of my writer loops we heard about how a fellow author's sixteen-year-old son was killed in a car accident on his way to school. My heart wrenches. I can't begin to imagine watching my child walk out the door and in what had to be less than fifteen minutes later, being gone. There aren't even any words for that kind of emotion.And fear. It's too sudden, it's just too sudden. And he's so young. I don't personally know this writer, but gosh, I sorrow and grieve with her.

The romance writing community is a tight compassionate group so a memorial fund has already been set up for their family's behalf. However it is already closed. I am inserting links to her books in case anyone would like to contribute in that way by simply buying one of her books. And since most child riders on life insurance policies top off at $10k yet the average burial costs are around $20k at the low end, believe me I know, extra book sales help. Jackie Barbosa on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Also this week I learned that my dear friend Steve "Peach" Wahlquist lost his wife to cancer.  I've actually never met her either, but knowing the kind of man Peach is and the way he speaks about her, she was someone amazing.

Yesterday we received word that the four-year-old daughter of a sweet family at our church was home from Cooks Childrens Medical Center with hospice care as her lungs are failing and will live only a few more days. I was assigned to be this mother's visiting teacher a couple of years ago. In our church, we're assigned to go visit each other and make sure everyone is taken care of, whether they need help help or just someone to talk to. It's a way of everybody taking care of each other. Anyway, she was assigned to me and my friend Laurie and I have to tell you I was scared the first time we went to her home. I knew she had a terminally ill child and after losing my own child I didn't think I was emotionally stable enough to be any kind of help to her. I imagined myself losing it and just blubbering and being zero help or strength for her at all. I've never prayed so hard before a visit in my life.

Miraculously I didn't break down. I'm not sure I was any help to her either any time we visited. Mostly we gave her a place to talk. I actually was kind of quiet, observing who she is and her strength in dealing with what she has to deal with in keeping her child alive, literally, on a daily basis. I remember being that way, having the strength and fortitude to just keep going even when you're beyond exhausted because there wasn't anything else to do. But from the other side of it, I also knew where this was going, how everything will change. Right now they are waiting for their precious girl to die. Cataloging every breath, the soft feel of her skin and hair, the way she smells as though they'll be able to hold onto those senses forever. Everything's surreal yet strikingly sharp and clear at the same time.

I'm not the same person I was before Chase's death. I'm not strong anymore, not like I had to be before. To be honest, it caught me off-guard how even the strength of my faith changed and the emotional ability to deal with the tiniest things is different. I don't know how my friend will be. I know everyone grieves differently, but I do know that she won't be the same as she is now.   It's hard thinking about what their family is going through today and not being able to do anything for them until afterwards. Our entire church community is waiting and grieving with them, feeling a bit helpless when we so badly want to help.

Kyle and Chase Autrey at the Dallas LDS Temple
And while death is so close this week, my thoughts were also turned toward my own children. In our faith, going to the temple and receiving instruction and sealing families together for all time and eternity is important to us. Before a young man or woman goes on a mission, they go to the temple for the first time and receive what we call an endowment, a gift from God so to speak. We also do these things by proxy for our dead. I'm not going to go into all of what that means to us here, but here's a link that shows pictures of inside our temples and a little bit more about it.

We waited until Kyle went to the temple to also go through for Chase on the same day. Again, I wasn't sure I was emotionally ready to handle it even after 3 years. If he had lived, Chase would be 18 and  ready to go on his own mission and go to the temple for himself. It's fitting that my boys went to the temple together, even if Chase was only there in spirit. My husband stood in as a proxy for Chase which was also right.

My heart sorrows today. All these deaths are so different. Some were old and suffering, some young and suffering, and Jackie's son so unexpected. If I've learned anything it is that grief and mourning and hurt and how someone deals with it, isn't something that can be compared or even judged with how it it dealt with. You simply hurt with the person going through it and comfort whoever stands in the most need of comfort at the moment you are there with them. That's all we can do really.


Brandon Mull and Chase

(Just reposting this news report from LDS Living so I'll always have it. All credit goes to them...)
Pictures are from me, which I'm thinking now that I had a terrible camera.


Brandon Mull and Chase Autrey
Brandon Mull and Chase Autrey


When author Brandon Mull set out to create the fictional world of Fablehaven, he never imagined that his fantasy would become a New York Times bestselling children’s book series. And he certainly would have never guessed the fabled world would make a wish come true for a dying little boy in reality.
Fourteen-year-old Chase Autrey of Fort Worth, Texas has battled cystic fibrosis since he was a toddler. With countless treatments and enough reality to last ten lifetimes, one of Chase’s favorite things to do is escape into Mull’s mythical world of Fablehaven, a secret preserve for magical creatures.

The Autrey family, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, found themselves again at Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas, in December, when doctors told the family Chase likely had three days to live, said his mother, Clover Autrey.

"His body is breaking down” she said. “It just has deteriorated to the point they're not sure he's got that much time left."

As doctors and nurses did all they could to keep young Chase from succumbing to the buildup in his lungs, his family braced for the worst. At one point, they didn’t expect him to make it through the night.
Chase had read all four volumes of the Fablehaven series and had been anticipating the March 23 release of the final book, Fablehaven: Keys to the Demon Prison. Chase first became a fan of the Fablehaven series after listening to the first book on audio CD at his grandmother’s house. He was too sick to go out and play with his cousins, so the boy who “doesn’t like books” took a chance on the series, his mother said.

After that, he was hooked. His dying wish was to know how the Fablehaven story ends.

Thanks to A Wish With Wings, a Texas-based foundation that helps grant terminally ill children their final wishes, a special phone call came to Chase’s hospital room on Thursday, Dec. 10. [2009]

With his family gathered around, Chase took a call from LDS author Brandon Mull. In this small hospital room, with tearful nurses and tender-hearted family and friends watching, Chase became the only person in the world to hear the details of the final volume of his favorite story. “Now if I’m going to tell you this stuff from [book] five, you’re going to have to promise to keep this stuff a secret,” Mull told Chase. “We’ve got a pact,” his family responded in unison. Mull then revealed the entire plot to an eager Chase.

Read the rest of this story at ldsliving.com

A Short Live, A Huge Impact

Chase should be celebrating his 18th Birthday today, finishing his Senior year of High School, driving, kissing girls, thinking about college and his future.

Yet he left us 3 years ago, 24 days before his 15th Birthday. 3 years. It feels like 3 months.

I can't describe what it's like to have a terminally ill child. You've either been there and know the experience, or you haven't. There's no in-between. It's 24/7 of keeping up with treatments and medication, and driving to specialists, checking port feeds in the middle of the night, and worrying about what could go wrong whenever you step out of the house on your own for a few hours.

But there's also a closeness that's reached from spending so much time together with deep conversations that otherwise wouldn't come up. Some conversations about what's after life that no one should ever have to have with their child.  

For the record, I do believe in an after life. I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior. For me, that stuff isn't made up or just something nice to believe in that brings me comfort.

I imagine Chase in the spirit world, finally able to do the things his body wouldn't allow him, happy, at peace, not hurting, and having a wonderful time with his brother and uncles. Who needs a driver's license when you can soar at lightspeed?

So Happy Birthday Chase. Enjoy this day and know that even though we miss you so hard it hurts, your life is being Celebrated.

Love you.

Mom






RIP Rudy Mata

On Tuesday while I was feeling sad about my deceased son's birthday, a dear friend of mine was racing across town to save his daughter from her abusive husband. Said abuser shot Rudy four times, killing him.

It's hard to believe. Things like this don't happen to people like Rudy, not to Rudy.

I met his wife, Sandy, close to 25 years ago when I first moved to Texas, a few months before Pat and I married. We worked together and she became my first real friend out here.

Our families got together every so often and Pat and Rudy, both into music, got along great as well. Rudy had a voice like velvet. He was funny and sweet and you could see how much Sandy was in love with him by how they teased and interacted and how she sparkled when talking about him. I knew how much she cared for him before I ever met him.

He was always a protector. I remember having a conversation about how one of the things he had looked for in a house was that the children's bedrooms were in the back of the house, rather than the front just for added security for his kids against the world.

It doesn't surprise me that one call from his daughter would carry him to her rescue. That's who he was. He lived as a protector. He died as a protector.

I haven't seen Sandy and Rudy for years as our lives had gotten busier. I talked to Sandy right after Chase died. Well, DMed. We even made tentative plans to get together for lunch or something, but when it came time to make those plans, I didn't. I wasn't in a frame of mind to get together with anybody, knowing how frail my hold on emotions were then and I didn't want to reacquaint with an old friend while bawling my eyes out.

Now she's in the same boat and my heart is devastated for her.

The funeral is today. 

Camp El Tesoro De la Vida Grief Camp



We have arrived just outside of Granbury, Texas to drop Tater off at Camp El Tesoro (Treasure of Life).

He attended last year (in the record 112 degree heat) and has been looking forward to it since then.

This is his second year. So many kids wants to go so they limit the amount of times a child can attend to 3.  

Getting his suitcase out for the week. Sheets, pillow, and battery operated fan are stuffed inside there as well as clothes.

No stationery and stamps because from last year we learned T just doesn't write back!!

No food either since ants got all over his bed from the gummy worms I sent with him last year.

Besides, kitchen raids are more fun.

The baggage cart for Redwood cabin.

This year Tot is in Middle camp, roaming where the big guys roam.

He will be doing Archery and Horseback Riding and swimming every day, as well as different activities on the rope courses, the Cowboy Church's rodeo, and seeing the Magician float a table off the ground.

And the end of camp dance, of course.

 We have to cross that dang swinging bridge. T loved it. Of course he's the guy that makes it swing harder. Stay in the middle, keep your head up and just go....  Yeah, that advice doesn't work.




Lice Check. T passes.


Favorite new word from last year:



Confidentiality: What is said in counseling sessions, stays in the cabin.


His group, AKA, the frogs.

Last year he was a Fish in lower camp.
Time for parents to leave. See you next week, T. 
Now to make it back across that bridge...


Camp El Tesoro ~ time for home

The week is over. Time to pick up Tater.

 Over the dang bridge again.  There is one other way into camp, but it takes so long and it is so hot, the short trek across nauseousville is worth it. 

I think. 

 Notes and Hearts hang along the trail
Memorial Wall 






Planting the 25th Tree for loved ones lost. Yes, I remembered to wear waterproof mascara.


Chase's Rock for 2012. The big Green C.

Chase's rock from 2011. Time fades paint, not so the hurt.

Chase's rock when it was new a year ago. 

Pat and Tater on the balancing board. T said about 30 kids were on here balancing.
You can't tell by the picture, but the slab moves. 

Tater took the Gold Metal in Archery. 5 bulleyes out of 6 arrows!!!








Camp El Tesoro ~ Shots around Camp

 Archery Range

 Why are we smiling? It's hot.
Stay on the trails. Snakes are afraid of man-made trails. That can't be right, can it?


What with the rocks on the roof?

 Shower stalls. Good times.

Favorite nightly hang out. Just sit around and gab and eat bounty scored from kitchen raid.


 Cabin sweet cabin. No plumbing. No electricity. No crying.

 Fire ban. Brought in the big grill for S'mores.


Every day. Swimming cool off time. The large rope course is glimpsed in the distance.